


If it costs me everything, so be it

by Trtrtrtr



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Thor (Movies)
Genre: Loki Feels, Some Fluff, Thor Feels
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-17
Updated: 2018-03-18
Packaged: 2019-04-01 10:29:23
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,758
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13996344
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Trtrtrtr/pseuds/Trtrtrtr
Summary: “You are holding my hand but still need me to assure you I’m real?” Loki let out a soft sigh. “You really are... desperate, brother.”





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi. I watched the Infinity War the second trailer last night and still fear for what is gonna happen : ( it'll crush my poor heart just from the beginning when they show the logo intro I know : ( huhu 
> 
> So I wrote this. It's a little bit out of character, Doctor Strange would never do that. I'm sorry I just wanna give it a try. 
> 
> And please Russo brothers, if you're going to have Loki dead please don't make it look like he is traitor to Thor, he it not : (
> 
> All mistakes are mine. I'm sorry.

He would never be able of hating Loki for a long time, Thor conceded to himself one day, after all those losses and destruction he had to bear in such a short time but seemed like an eternity of his immortal life. Even though it was his brother who brought all those losses and destruction, who had his part in destroying everything Thor had ever cared about or even loved, but whatever he was feeling, it was not hate. It never could be.

 

To be honest, there were times when Thor believed he loathed his brother for all his careless actions, like he never really gave a damn about the consequences he might bring along with all the mischief and tricks he’d played. And there were times when Thor believed it was for the best that now his brother was gone, out of his reach but all he could do was lying here, in his massive bed, feeling like he was being torn apart. The things that happened were too big, even for a mighty god like him. _A mighty god_ , he laughed at that idea. There was one thing Thor knew for sure then that he would never be _the mighty god_ people believed him to be, ever again.

 

He remembered the last time he saw his brother vividly.

 

Sometimes, the memories still came to his mind brightly, lively, sorely, as though there hadn’t been such a painful pain caused by a mad titan who called himself Thanos, who Thor had witnessed his crazy behavior and crazy power not long later, going through his whole body. That was the kind of pain that made his head throbbed and his body screamed to just give up. _But Thor remembered_. It’d turned out Thanos’d wanted all the infinity stones and it’d turned out his brother accidentally had possessed one as he’d boarded their ship. Yes, _their ship_.

 

And before Thor had a mere idea of what was the happening, the titan had killed all the left asgardians, he even had tried to killed Thor and sure he would have done that without breaking a sweat but as the purple alien torturing him in front of his brother, Loki’d pulled the _tesseract_ out of nowhere, then the grip round his head had loosen and Thor’d immediately found himself being dropped to the hard floor of their ship. He’d called out all the strengths he’d had just not to pass out because he’d felt fear rising and claiming all of his thoughts.

 

He hadn’t fear for what Thanos could have done if the stone’d been given to him then, but the fear for what Thanos could have done with his brother, _his little brother_ who had never ever in his life given a damn about what consequences his mischief might have caused.

 

Both Loki and the tesseract had been being pulled toward Thanos with just a wave of the titan’s hand and it’d ended up with the tesseract in one of his hand and Loki’s neck in the other.

 

 _“You actually do care about that creation.”_ The titan’d let out a loud laugh.

 

He could see his brother’s struggling and the more struggle Loki got, the more Thor cursed his weakness. Lighting radiating through his whole body he’d felt it burn under his skin and he’d tried damn hard to stand up, to shout at the purple alien but his body had a limit which had already being crossed. Then he heard a scream escaped his brother’s mouth and Thor found himself lost in his own shrike before he passed out.

 

_No. No. Nooooo..._

 

After that, he had been floating through space and saved by a group of strangers who later would help his team win the fight against Thanos. And won the fight they did. But at what cost?

 

Now he was lying there, facing what was left after that terrified battle. Too little of his team left. There were some new ones but too little of the old one left. He would someday recover from all the physical wounds, Thor chose to believe in it but he knew better that never once his life he could cope up with the future that the left of his team believed they were heading to.

 

Because there was no Asgardian left. Because there was no home nor a single thing to remind him of his home left.

 

And...

 

 _no Loki left_.

 

Thor was being torn between his mind and his hazy heart. It shouldn’t be like that. He shouldn’t be like that. He knew he had to resent his brother because of all the things that had happened. He knew it. But he just couldn’t. All he felt was no matter what his brother had done, every time he was gone, believed to be dead, some thing was being ripped out of Thor’s body. Like _a piece_ , Thor thought. Maybe _haft_ of what Thor’d been made of, Thor thought. There was not much of him left. It all died with their ship that day.

 

How many times were it? Him mourning for the loss of his brother and how many times were it? Him finding out everything was nothing than a joke to _the said one_. But a joke is still better than this, Thor admitted bitterly. A joke meant there was still a coming back, a joke meant Loki would be back to Thor while _this_ meant there was no Loki anymore. There would be no mocking when he found out his brother still alive if he ever found out nor the relief that always came along with the revealed truth.

 

Could he ever recover from that?

 

 _Time will answer_ , they said, and as time passed but still no answer came, Thor made a decision.

 

***

 

 _117A Bleecker Street_.

 

Thor stood at the front door awkwardly. They had met long ago to find his father and gotten along during the battle but he wasn’t so sure if _the witch_ would help him with this or not. It was an absurd thing to ask, even he knew it but did he really have another choice? Could he really wait for another choice? Could the aching in his heart bear any longer?

 

So that was it. And before he knocked, he was being teleporting. It felt like a dejá vu, the one he wished not to experience ever again because it was dizzy and nauseous. Stand beside him then was Stephen Strange and he had to grab the nearest thing just to straighten up.

 

\- “ _Thor Odinson_.” The doctor greeted.

 

\- “ _Stephen Strange_.”

 

Before Thor had the chance to do anything a Midgardian would do when they met their friends, something like a handshake or a smile, he found himself being dropped to the leather couch. Just like the last time he’d been here, Thor recalled.

 

\- “ _Stop this_.”

 

\- “ _Stop what_?” The doctor folded his fingers.

 

\- “ _This_.” Thor signed heavily. “ _I come here to ask you a favor_.”

 

\- “ _What kind of favor_?” A large beer glass appeared on the table between them.

 

\- “ _Huh? I thought you already knew_.” He gulped his beer and rose an eyebrow at Strange. The act of summoning things out of nowhere reminded Thor of someone and Thor did not dare lingering to the thought.

 

\- “ _Of course I knew. I just can’t believe you’re such an idiot.”_ Strange rolled his eyes at Thor and the rolling soon became an opened observation like he was figuring out whether Thor was a true idiot just like he had thought.

 

Thor let him and quickly finished his drink. He didn’t remember how many times he had asked himself the same question and the answer had came up to him after one of his too many dreamy sleeps, which sometimes would had awoken some deeply buried memories. He actually was that idiot. From the beginning, the day when Thor was just a mere little boy and his mother bring an even smaller boy to him and said fondly: “ _Come meet your brother, Thor_ ” and Thor did and from that moment, the moment when two baby green eyes looked up at him wonderfully, curiously, Thor already smiled broadly and vowed only to himself: _I will protect you, my little brother, no matter what, I promise._

 

It seemed like a lifetime had passed now. Thor put the glass down and looked right to Strange’s eyes:

 

\- _“Can you do it?”_

 

The question sank in but Strange stayed silent. Eventually he said: _“He’s a dangerous person who means harm to this earth, Thor.”_

 

Thor leaned back to the couch and signed.

 

\- _“He is. But can you do it?”_

 

\- _“Of course I can do it”_ \- Strange rolled his eyes again. _“But it isn’t worth it. Why are you doing it anyway?”_

 

Why was he doing it? If he explained, would they comprehend? He couldn’t demand such sympathy from a person whose life had merely passed 10 decades. Maybe they could partly understand his explanation. Maybe they could, partly, but not wholly, never wholly. The reason was simple. The intimacy between him and his brother, the intimacy that lasted too long Thor thought he might do literally anything just to have it back.

 

\- _“I need him, Doctor. If you won’t do it, I understand.”_

 

\- _“I guess if I don’t do it, you’ll find another option?”_ Strange tapped his fingers against each others and looked directly at Thor, waiting for an obvious answer.

 

\- _“Not another option, but person it might be.”_ Thor signed. _“I’d rather it be you.”_

 

Silence again fell between them. Strange was not the only witch in this world, that Thor was sure. He maybe the most powerful, but not the only. It would take time to find another but what did Thor have besides all the time in this world? So he patiently waited for Strange to make his decision.

 

\- _“Do you have any idea what it might cost you to bring him back, Thor?”_

 

\- _“How bad can it be?”_ He chuckled softly. How bad could it be though? Another eye? Honestly, Thor didn’t seem to care.

 

\- _“You’re so desperate. Alright. Give me something belongs to your brother and yours too so this terrible idea may work.”_

 

Thor pulled a strand of hair out of his pocket and handed it to Strange. It was his hair braided with Loki’s. Luckily he could have saved it back on Sakaar.

 

\- _“Huh?”_ Strange raised his eyebrows _“you bring this with you all the times?”_

 

Thor didn’t say anything. It was the only thing belonging to his brother that Thor still possessed. He didn’t dare to think about losing it and please don’t make him recall how panic he had felt when that creepy old man had attempted to cut his hair.

 

\- “ _Is that enough? Do you need something else? My blood?”_

 

\- “ _Nope. I definitely don’t need your blood.”_ Strange stood up and they were stand beside his bookshelf in an instant.

 

\- “ _Can’t you just walk?”_ Thor asked depressingly.

 

\- “ _Nope. Here it is.”_ Strange made a noise while quickly flipping through his thick book. The quicker the pages had been turned over, the more Strange grimaced.

 

\- “ _That bad?”_ Thor looked inquisitively.

 

Strange closed the book.

 

\- “ _Do you really want to do this, Thor, at any cost?”_

 

\- “ _Just tell me_.”

 

\- “ _Many years of your lifetime_.”

 

\- “ _How much amount of year are we talking about, Doctor?”_

 

\- “ _Many, Thor.”_ Strange folded his arms.

 

\- “ _Oh, you mean…”_ Realization finally hit Thor. The prize of a God’s life is another God’s immortal life then. Okay. Thor could do this. So _Okay_ was the reply he gave Strange.

 

\- “ _You…”_ Strange shook his head slightly like he knew better than not to bargain with Thor in this kind of situation so _Okay_ was his answer as well.

 

And before saying goodbye to the witch, he ran his fingers through his  
now still short and unkempt hair and asked awkwardly: _“How long… uhh… how long will it take? Not that I’m urging you, it’s just…”_

 

 _“Go home, Thor. Be a little patient. You’ve been holding up for such long, I’m sure you can still do it a bit longer, do you?”_ Strange said.

 

Yes, he did. And a bit longer he would wait.

 

*** 

 

Thor went back home and continued his life on earth.

 

He was on earth for nearly five years since that day.

 

He made friends with people, fought battles with the new Avengers, kept in touch with the old one and lived his life. Stark once asked him about moving outside the city with him and Natasha and he almost said _yes_ , because just like them, he was tired, worn out, lost. But as he thought it through, he was new to this planet, he wanted to know more about it, about how it worked, how the people lived, about the culture and many more. So before he retired (that’s what Stark and Natasha thought about the moving to the suburb idea) and agreed to Stark’s offer, he wished to learn all those things first. Stark gave him an apartment in case he wanted some privacy and slowly but finally he got a hold of this earth.

 

Five years.

 

He missed Asgard. Missed father, mother, Heimdall, the warriors three and Sif. Living on Midgard didn’t felt like living at home and it still felt temporary, not permanent. He felt like a stranger, a stray who was still in search for his long lost home, a home he would never found again.

 

And he missed Loki, desperately. No matter how many times Thor denied it, the truth was always there, clung to his every thought like a poison without antidote.

 

And today, after returning home from a two-day mission, he got a shower and went straight to bed. A fitful sleep with interrupted dreams came to him quickly and as his bed shifted a little bit, he opened his eyes and smiled beamingly as he saw who just sat down beside him.

 

“ _If I could see you like this everytime I go to bed, then I don’t wanna wake up anymore_.” He murmured softly and dragged the figure into his arms.

 

_“I’ve missed you, brother.”_

 

The figure lain still on his arms, and after what seemed like a very long moment, it said:

 

 _“Stupid Thor, what have you done?”_ The figure ran its fingers down Thor’s cheek and Thor happily leaned on the touch.

 

 _“Many things.”_ Thor answered. He changed his position so the figure could rest comfortable with one of Thor’s arm draped over its slender abdomen and the other under its neck.

 

_“Now rest. I really need to sleep.”_

 

 

He slept nearly a day and wanted to slept more if not for the loud noise his stomach made. When he sat up, he could sense something was really wrong. First, his right arm felt numb. Second, he just had a weird dream. Thor signed heavily and went to the kitchen to find something to eat. As he settled down on his chair with a bow full of cereal, he saw the third wrong thing.

 

He saw Loki, wrapped in a towel, emerging from his bathroom. His eyes went wide at the sight and again, he signed heavily then talk to himself:

 

“ _Now I’m hallucinating, hah._ ”

 

“ _I’m not your hallucination, you oaf._ ”

 

“ _Now it’s taking, hah._ ”

 

Thor shook his head to dismiss the image but it didn’t work.

 

And that was when it hit him.

 

He tilted his head to have a clearer look.

 

He remembered going to Strange’s place, remembered giving the man his and his brother’s hair, remembered asking Strange a favor and remembered being told to wait.

 

He wanted to stand up, to walk to his _let’s hope not_ hallucination and ask if it was really _him_ but he couldn’t bring himself to do any of it so he stared instead.

 

He stared for so long his eye hurt and what worse was his brother was doing nothing but stare right back.

 

He wanted to say something, break that awkward silence, he definitely did but he just couldn’t, because fear was growing in his chest.

 

What if he talked and this was all just a hallucination? What if….

 

But Loki was just being Loki when he broke the silence with his challenging voice:

 

“ _Do I need to stab you to make you believe I’m not some of your head problems_?”

 

And just like that a dagger appeared in his hand and he approached Thor. Thor knew Loki was going to do it if Thor didn’t say anything in anytime soon and though he tried to force words out of his mouth, he still failed miserably.

 

That didn’t make Loki stop. As he trailed the dagger down to Thor’s rib, Thor finally found himself being able to react again. He grabbed Loki’s wrist. Tightly. He squeezed it just to feel the cool of his brother’s skin and found it was the cool with which he was familiar his whole life.

 

He had hold his brother’s wrists, hands, touched and felt the skin too many times to tell this was really his brother, not something he imagined. But it still too damn impossible to believe.

 

 _You just have to ask, Thor_. He thought. But what if? What if...

 

“ _I..._ ”

 

“ _Are you... please... please, tell me you are..._ ”

 

He babbled.

 

Suddenly Thor couldn’t hold his gaze so he casted down his eyes but his fingers was squeezing even tighter.

 

“ _You are holding my hand but still need me to assure you I’m real?”_ Loki let out a soft sigh _. “You really are... desperate, brother._ ”

 

The dagger disappeared and Loki had his arm around Thor in mere second, drawing Thor into _his_ chest.

 

Then it all was just too much for him to bear. Thor could sense all of the times he had been miserable, had missed, mourned his brother, his Asgard, his home, all of it, forming on the verge of his eyelashes, threatening to break, to fall.

 

It was not like Thor to do that. He was not a kid anymore to cry in front of his younger brother but when did he ever stop doing so?

 

And then it broke. He had his hand covering both eyes and the other still holding onto Loki’s wrist. His tears fall silently.

Let him be weak just this time. Just this time.

 

Because Loki was here, patting his back while he sobbing like a little kid. Just this time. Thor thought.

 


	2. Chapter 2

Loki knew he never truly hated Thor, too. They’d been brothers, for what like millenniums years, had been family, even though it’d been just a fail one but still. Jealousy, there had been some moments of it, sure, but he never hated despite what he’d said. Loki’d failed Thor so many times, just like he’d thought Thor’d done exactly the same to him. But Thor’d done not thing, not thing, except for maybe protecting Loki from any harms when they'd been younger, even until now it appeared to be, defending Loki from other’s words, mourning him every times Thor thought he’d been dead, and believing there were still good hiding somewhere deep down in him. Loki knew it, and it made him feel a bit proud, and comfortable, and secured, because he still had his place in Thor’s heart. It was _selfish_ , wasn’t it? But could you really blame him? Everyone seemed to do so. Except for Thor.

 

Even though Loki had tricked, had hurt Thor countless times, both physically and emotionally, Thor always forgave him. No matter what he had done, no matter how bad, how evil, how ugly it’d been, Thor always forgave him. _Stupid Thor_. _Sentimental Thor._

 

And about hurt. Loki didn’t mean to really hurt Thor either. He’d stabbed Thor countless times, when they’d been nothing but two kids playing around their mother’s garden and one of them had wanted to tricked the other with a new spell he’d learnt, had wanted to test if he could hurt his brother with it and he had; when they’d fought each other and thing had turned too emotional for his liking. But each time, it’d been Loki who hurt Thor with the awareness of how much Thor could suffer and with the self-assurance that if Thor couldn’t, Loki would have healed Thor himself.

 

But that had been different when Thanos’d came.

 

_He found Loki. He killed all the ship. He tortured Thor in front of Loki and he forced Loki to watch. The sight of it was just too much._

 

_“You think you know pain. He will make you long for something as sweet as pain.”_

 

Loki’d known then what it’d meant.

 

_And as Thor’s screaming filled the already dead ship, it was just too much. “Stop”, he said. “Please just stop”. So he offered Thanos the one thing he was looking for in exchange of Thanos releasing his brother. The Tesseract. He shouldn’t have taken it. He could’ve just ignored it and died when Surtur’d planted his sword on Asgard. He really should. Now it was too late._

 

_He tricked death too many times to even consider it would finally come and when it did, though Loki knew it’d not be easy and comfortable, he just didn’t expect his death was that much painful. But to Loki, it was still better than watching Thor enduring it._

_And in a brief moment, Loki thought of Thor, of what Thor would feel after this. Would Thor hate him for destroying his people, their people, for bringing doom to Asgard? Would Thor forgive him? No, that would be impossible. Would Thor forget him? He hoped Thor would. He didn’t want it but he hoped Thor would._

But it’d turned out no matter what he had done, no matter how bad, how evil, how ugly it’d been, Thor always forgave him and never seemed to forget him. He knew magic well enough to know how much Thor had to give up to have him back. His _hopeless Thor_.

 

Several months had passed since the day that witch had bargained with death for Loki’s life and Loki still remembered what the man had said before letting him go:

 

_“It was not only your brother’s immortal life that helped you to be restored to life, but also his I don’t know if love is the right word here. So if you think about something stupid like invading this earth again, prepare yourself for something real bad.”_

 

That night when Loki’d made it to Thor’s place, Thor’d been sleeping. He’d walked to the bed and watched Thor slept.

 

_His immortal life. His love_.

 

He hadn’t known how long it’d been. Years, maybe. Thor’s hair had still been short. They’d added an eye to him then? And as he observing to pinpoint any changes on his brother’s appearance, it’d suddenly occurred to Loki that if Thor hadn’t tried to bring him back, there would’ve been no way of them seeing each other ever again. Because…

 

Because after Thor died, he’d have joined Odin and Frigga on Valhalla and he… the place he had just been back from had nothing like Valhalla at all.

 

And by that, he’d panic. He’d turned his heel and left the bedroom to calm himself. _It’s okay now. I’m back with you now._

 

He’d made a tour of Thor’s new house. Small kitchen with a few stuffs. There’d been pictures of Thor and his mortal friends hanging on the wall. Loki’d remembered them: the man with the iron suit, the lady with the red hair, the archer and Bruce. A picture of Thor with the Hulk and so much more people Loki hadn’t recognized. _Still be friends with these people then_.

 

Loki’d gone back to Thor’s bedroom and sat down. And as soon as Thor’d opened his eyes and seen Loki, he’d instantly had that stupid smile on his face and had Loki in his arms just like they’d done many times ago. When Thor’d just gotten back from a long battle and came to Loki’s chamber to find Loki waiting for him or if he’d been too tired to come, Loki’d have been the one to do the job. Either way, it’d always ended up with one of them being in the other’s arms. Just like this.

 

He hadn’t realized he’d been holding back his tears till he’d heard Thor said:

 

“ _If I could see you like this every time I go to bed, then I don’t wanna wake up anymore_.”

 

_“I’ve missed you, brother.”_

 

His tears might have been falling down then but Loki hadn’t cared much because he’d had his lips against Thor’s right when those words left his brother’s mouth.

 

_I’ve missed you too. And if I knew things would be like this, you would be like this, I…_

Loki’d broken the kiss. What had he been thinking? It’d seemed like Thor hadn’t been aware of the kiss yet so Loki’d sunk back to his position and let Thor sleep.

 

In the next morning, Thor’d made it very precise that he’d wanted to live here, on earth and when he demanding a promise of no leaving from Loki, he’d said _yes_. Because it’d been what Thor’d wanted. Well, not that from then on he’d do whatever Thor wanted, well, maybe that had obviously been the reason for Loki to say yes.

 

Anyway, several months had passed now and their life on earth fell into a routine: Thor going on missions while Loki staying at home or they staying home together or going out together. Well, not that Loki was complaining since Thor had made him a bookshelf full of many types of books from history to love novels to entertain himself when Thor was being away, it just he didn’t like the idea of him being this soft.

 

Norns, they even shared a bed,

 

Once Loki’d asked Thor if he could just get another bed for himself, and Thor’d immediately arched his eyebrows:

 

_“You really want it?”_

 

_“Yeah, why not?”_

 

He still remembered he’d answered it with a perfectly confident tone. Then Thor’d bought him a bed. And after one week having trouble sleeping, he’d made the bed disappear with an annoying grunt. And that night when he’d returned to Thor’s bed, he’d never forget that arrogant grin on his brother’s face.

 

_“You’ll pay for this.”_

 

_“It’s not even my idea.”_ Thor’s smile had still been too beamingly as he’d pulled Loki closer.

 

_“You’ll have to pay for this, whether it was your idea or not!”_ Despite the warning he’d given, Loki’d still rested his head on the crook of Thor’s neck.

 

_“Okay. And before I have to deal with your revenging, may I have the chance to say I missed you in my bed, brother?”_ That’d earned Thor a kick on his leg and a peck on the lips as well.

 

Now, thinking back to that unexpected embarrassment, it irritated Loki so much he shut his book loudly enough for Thor to hear it.

 

_“Are you mad at me for no reason again, Loki?”_

 

Thor was typing something on his laptop but had to darted his eyes to give him a look. Yeah, five years on earth had given his brother the ability to use Midgard’s technology, it seemed.

 

_“It’s so bored here.”_

 

_“The book?” Thor asked concernedly._

 

_“No. I just don’t like this Thor.”_ He groaned.

 

Thor set the laptop aside and gestured Loki to go to him. Loki straddled Thor’s lap and rested his head against Thor’s shoulder.

 

_“Is this about you getting more sentimental since staying with me?”_ He gave Loki’s hair affectionate strokes.

 

_“Yes. And no.”_ He sighed. “It’s just… I feel useless.”

 

“Useless? Hmm? Do you want a job? You’ll have other things to do besides reading books. What do you think?”

 

Loki tilted his head back then.

 

_“A job?”_ He asked curiously.

_“Yes. What do you want to do? And don’t tell me ruling this planet, brother.”_

_“So unfair. That’s the only job I want to do. What about a magician?”_ He tapped his cheek knowing Thor liked the manner. _“I watched them on TV and what they did was just, ugh, child’s plays and still made so much money.”_

 

_“Okay. Just don’t draw too much attentions, will you?”_

_“I don’t make such promise.”_ Loki rolled his eyes.

 

That night, when snuggling to Thor’s side, Loki decided that maybe, just maybe, if he had Thor, and his books, and a job to do, mostly like if he had Thor like this till the end of his life, then being sentimental to him was not that much of a problem anymore.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm writing part 2 right now :D.
> 
> If you are enjoying it, thank you :D.


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